Sub Drop: The Emotional Side of BDSM | Why Committed Relationships Suffer Most?

So you have had an amazing BDSM scene with your partner and you’re feeling great… until suddenly you feel awful. Your body aches, you feel nauseous and dizzy, your hands and feet are cold, you feel like crying – welcome to sub drop!  

For anyone who doesn’t know what is subdrop, it is the feeling of depression or anxiety that can happen after a BDSM scene. It is incredibly common, and it can be triggered by many different things. It is important to understand what sub drop is and how to deal with it, because it can be a very real and very difficult thing to deal with.

My Own Experience with Sub Drop BDSM

I remember the first time I experienced sub drop. I had just finished a scene with my then-new boyfriend. We had been dating for about two months, and things were going great. The sex was good, the communication was good. We were both new to BDSM, so everything was still very exciting. After our scene, he told me he had to leave for work and would see me later. I felt okay at first, but then suddenly I was hit with this wave of sadness and loneliness. But I didn’t understand what was happening to me. 

My Own Experience with Sub Drop BDSM

I later found out that this feeling was sub drop, and that it happens more in committed relationships because there’s a stronger emotional connection between partners. In some ways, this makes sense; when you care deeply for someone, their absence can be felt more deeply as well. But in other ways, it doesn’t make sense at all. After all, shouldn’t the person who cares for you be the one who makes you feel better when you are feeling down? So what should you do? First let me begin with the sub drop symptoms that you see in the person going through it. I hope I can help you with subdrop so that you and your partner can take measures beforehand. 

What are the symptoms of Sub Drop in BDSM?

The following are six common symptoms of d&s sub drop:

  1. Sadness or feelings of emptiness: After an intense scene, a submissive partner may feel like they are “coming down” from a high. They may feel sad or empty, as though something is missing.
  2. Anxiety or nervousness: Another sub drop symptoms are anxiety or nervousness. A submissive partner may feel on edge, afraid, or even panicked.
  3. Insomnia: It is not uncommon for those experiencing sub drop to have difficulty sleeping. They may be unable to fall asleep, or they may wake up frequently throughout the night.
  4. Appetite changes: An individual experiencing sub drop may notice changes in their appetite. They may have no appetite at all, or they may find themselves ravenous.
  5. Irritability: Sub drop can also cause irritability and moodiness. A person may find themselves snapping at those around them for no reason.
  6. Depression: Finally, some people who experience sub drop will also suffer from depression. This can range from mild forms of “the blues” to full-blown clinical depression. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, it is important to reach out to your partner and/or a trusted friend or loved one for support.

How to Handle Sub Drop if you find yourself in this Situation? 

How to Handle Sub Drop if you find yourself in this Situation? 

It is important to understand what sub drop is and how to deal with it, because it can be a very difficult thing to deal with. Here are some pointers to start with.

Acknowledge what you’re Feeling

The first step is to acknowledge that you are feeling low and that it is okay to feel that way. It can be tempting to bottle up your emotions and try to push through them, but that will only make things worse in the long run. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling and let them know what you need in order to feel better. Communicating honestly is key in any relationship, but especially so when dealing with something as sensitive as sub drop.

Identify the Cause

Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, it’s time to try and identify the cause. Was the scene particularly intense? Did something happen during or after the scene that upset you? Once you’ve pinpointed the source of your emotions, it will be easier to address them head-on. However, sometimes the cause of your sub drop may not be immediately apparent. In these cases, it’s important to trust your gut and go with what feels right. You know yourself better than anyone, so trust your instincts on this one.

Talk About it with your Partner

Once you’ve identified the source of your emotions, it’s time to talk about it with your partner. This can be a difficult conversation, but it’s an important one. Remember that your partner cares about you and wants you to feel happy and fulfilled. They need to know how you’re feeling in order to help make sure that future scenes are enjoyable for both of you.

If something happened during a scene that made you uncomfortable, be sure to communicate that to your partner as well. They may not have realized how their actions were affecting you and will likely be more than happy to make adjustments in future scenes. Honesty is always the best policy when communicating with your partner.

Why Sub Drop Happens More in Committed Relationships

Why Sub Drop Happens More in Committed Relationships

Sub drop is a common occurrence in BDSM relationships, but it can happen in any kind of committed relationship. It happens when the dominant partner suddenly withdraws all of their love and attention, leaving the submissive feeling abandoned and alone. Here’s a closer look at why this happens and what you can do about it. 

Commitment Phobia

One of the most common reasons for sub drop is commitment phobia. The dominant partner may start to feel smothered by the relationship and begin to pull away as a result. They may also have feelings of guilt or shame about what they’re doing and start to distance themselves emotionally from their partner. If you think this might be the case, try communicating openly with your partner about your concerns. You may also want to consider seeking counseling or therapy together to help work through these issues.

Unresolved Issues

Another common reason for sub drop is unresolved issues between the partners. These could be anything from jealousy and insecurity to resentment and anger. If there are unresolved issues in your relationship, they will need to be addressed before sub drop can be resolved.

I am repeating again, communication is key here. Talk to your partner about what’s going on and see if you can work together to find a resolution. If you’re unable to resolve the issues on your own, you may need to seek outside help from a counselor or therapist. 

Lack of Aftercare

In BDSM, aftercare is a crucial part of any scene. It’s a time for the partners to reconnect and check in with each other after the scene is over. Aftercare typically includes things like cuddling, talking, and possibly even sex. It’s important to make sure that both partners are on the same page about aftercare before starting any scene. If one partner isn’t into it, that’s perfectly fine, but both partners need to be aware of this going into it. Without aftercare, sub drop is much more likely to occur. 

Also Read: How to Care for Bruises and More BDSM Play Recovery Tips


Though sub drop BDSM can occur in any type of relationship, it seems to happen more frequently and with greater intensity in committed relationships. This is likely because the emotional connection is stronger between two people who are committed to each other.

The feelings of sadness, loneliness, and anxiety that come with sub drop can be difficult to handle, but fortunately, there are things you can do to ease the transition back to everyday life. If you communicate openly with your partner about your needs and expectations, you can help make post-scene blues a thing of the past.

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